Sunday, 30 September 2012

Sept 30 2012


Sept 30/12
Been crying off and on..just texting my chum Sandra...she had a nice normal childhood...loving parents, awesome big sister and an evil ex husband...so much in common...and yet not...we are each other’s laughter thru the bullshit that people and life can throw at you...she has brought so much fun and adventure into my life!!!!!!!!!! Definitely need to journal our stories someday...
I really think I am going to start posting each day from my journal of the past along with my present day comments...so for all those  who will eventually read this...i am not mistaken in the dates...
And yes I swear...but only when there is absolutely no other adjective to describe the intensity of the present emotion...at least that’s what i tell my kids...saying the F word to me is abusive...most of the time when i hear it...i cringe...we all have triggers...you know..something that you see, hear, feel or touch that brings a memory to mind...when i was a kid and we heard swearing...we knew the beatings were coming...
 As I come to realize that I am really going to do this...I feel exhilarated...and scared shitless all at the same time...but more than anything...anger “unfortunately”..I keep telling myself to breatheeee....and write...write write write...
My Mom and aunt Bev have said i should write a book...i think they were referring to some of my adventures with Sandra...because as i started telling them...i had their full attention and i laugh thinking back on it...unfortunately I  can’t just write a book...but a biography..I  can. .
As this is being read..i want everyone to know that my story does have a happy ending...not only with my salvation but Jamie Drew. I have told people that i truly believed he was an angel...and then once i married him, realized he wasn’t (I chuckle)...but then again? He continues to live each day to make my life better...and he so has...in so many unbelievable ways...
And why is it that more often than not...when i look at the clock it’s 3:33pm (as it is now)...or 2:22...or 1:11...anyhow...just an observation.
If you are someone who has experienced abuse in any way, shape or form...whether physical...verbal...emotional...and I am so very sorry but sexual...I hope my *our” story helps you. With all the evil and unforgiveness that is in the world...my parents (yes all of them!)...my siblings and my two dearest friends Sandra and Lisa...have shown me and anyone that knows us and our story that you can forgive...move forward...and be happy with each other...and love this great thing called life that God has given us...
I’m not writing a book...i am writing my thoughts...and i’m trying to heal once and for all. Things have come to a head...and I refuse to die from something I can control..I can control my blood pressure and make the chest pains stop by saying what needs to be said...I have done therapy in the past..but not ongoing...nor intense. My abuser only wins if I let him! Although i feel beaten and battered somedays I still have alot of fight left in me! Praise God!! Feeling very emotional right now..so i’m going to clean my house!
It’s after eight pm...jamie is in the kitchen making shepard’s pie for his lunch...had to work tonight as well...but i do enjoy what i do...i enjoy making a positive difference...even if it’s just cleaning somebody’s house. I have alot of chest pains tonight...was feeling okay earlier but once i start thinking...the pain comes...it’s no wonder Lorie wants to have a procedure done that will
One thing about journal writing for me is that i often re-read past entries...when i had my first journal (which I can’t readily find as i looked for it today) i would note the time...the daily going’s on...for me at that time it was the daily phone call to the kids...playing x and o’s over the phone...and then i would start writing about my feelings and where my thoughts are at the moment i’m writing or where they were throughout the day...